Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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