i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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