the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
