I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
My bed smells like the plague
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
