I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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