I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
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