Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
If no ones going to say it, then I will. Vanessa Hudgens boobs are weird looking
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
