People in love make me want to vomit
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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