i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
