i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
We had to coat check the pizza.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Randomize
