if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Randomize
