is your mom at the bar?
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Who died my cat blue again?
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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