I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize