i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Randomize
