its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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