You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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