I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I love having hate sex.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Randomize
