I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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