Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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