A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
