i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
