at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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