Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
