Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
