I wish I could punch you in the face.
Yo dont text me then not text me
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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