yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
