i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
