my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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