Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Randomize
