11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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