his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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