I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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