How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Randomize