One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
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