I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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