I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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