She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
