My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
