new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Randomize
