Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
