He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Randomize
