alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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