you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
