did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize