I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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