had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize
