i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Randomize
