I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
