this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
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