Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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