Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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