u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Randomize
