ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize
