Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
