He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Randomize
