The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I got inside last night via doggy door
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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