i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Randomize
