With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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