I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Randomize
