When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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