I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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