Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
