I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Randomize
