K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
He told me they were just razor bumps!
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
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