i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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